Not only are sales of Aquafina down dramatically in the aftermath of the label change, but Pepsi's entire new line of fake products is now in jeopardy. "We were supposed to come out with unicorn flavored corn chips at Frito Lay by the end of the third quarter, but now who knows?" said a downtrodden company product manager. He added "Get it? Unicorn – those don't even exist, I think. I mean they're extinct or whatever." Pepsi was also rumored to be preparing the launch of Mountain Sensations, a bagged air product designed to refresh the customer. "We were literally going to sell air; it was going to cost a dollar…" said Pepsi's VP of marketing, unable to hold back his tears.

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola has been put in a tough spot as well, as its Dasani bottled water product has been revealed to be tap water. "Those guys at Pepsi are real dumbasses you know," said a distributor for the company, "Next thing you know they'll be telling the whole world that the formula for Pepsi is just the one for Coke with some Skittles dissolved in it. There is no way that Pepsi could successfully sell both Diet Coke and Coke Zero. Those two products only have a difference of 1.3 calories between them, but people keep buying them! Wait, this is off the record right?"

Coke has already taken precautionary measures to keep sales strong. The company reportedly bought the world's largest fish tank from the new Atlanta aquarium and renamed it Dasani Springs. "We're going to pump the tap water into the tank, then bottle it, so technically it is spring water," said operations manager Edward Dewey. When asked what they intend to do with the fish, he muttered something about new flavors of soda being offered in Asia.

Disclosure: I do not own either Pepsi or Coke. If they faced each other in a Bud Bowl-like challenge, I'd root for Pepsi, but mostly because I resent Coca-Cola C2. I've tasted all of these products during a short stint as a professional blind-folded test taster. In case you are interested, I always said that I preferred the second item that I was asked to taste. This was co-written by my friend Alon Krashinsky.